An active gamer with 2 children I learned quite a lot over the years. I have been the young dad with babies and like most young men I was selfish and did not truly understand my role in marriage or as a father.
You eventually grow into the role but you only have the image of your own father in your minds eye to serve as a template. Those images can be good, bad or indifferent. You hear about a lot of negativity associated with gaming.
To me gaming is a great hobby; it kept me from running around with the guys who were still single chasing skirts. spending all weekend on the golf course or banging heads on the pitch and drinking after wards. The wife could always look over and know where I was at in the evenings! LOL
There is a period of your life where everything of a personal nature must become secondary for a couple and that is during the infancy of a child, and probably up until they can communicate.
Newborns and babies are fatiguing to say the least and require both parents’ efforts. If nothing else to gain the rest you require to function like a normal human being. When they sleep; you really should because they require 100% attention not just for their survival, but your sanity.
I did a terrible job of this with my firstborn; I ignorantly felt that I spent 12-14 hours at work and deserved a little time off when I came in the door. I failed to acknowledge my wife had spend just as much (and even more tiring effort at home.)
Man do I regret the arguments. “I spent all day working, what did you do?” Some things should never be said, especially out of ignorance. MMOs and gaming online do not help this discussion; many of the devices that make them fun to play you also cannot just just typically "walk away from." There is rarely a pause button nor can you save the game like some RTS.
Your character will always either have just entered a dungeon; started a fight with a mob or is transiting through dangerous territory. The biggest comments that make a wife sick to her stomach are probably;
"Honey, let me just finish this fight real quick."
"Honey, let me get back to the inn/town/city real fast"
"Honey, I cannot walk away I just joined this group they are relying on me."
(They all start with honey... we get very loving when we stall)
I learned after the first and did much better with the second child that the wife and baby are much more important than any game. If she is asking for your help; she's asking for it NOW.
Not in 10 minutes.
Not when she is FINALLY a priority over;
some pixels on a screen
some random acquaintances you have never met in real life
something/someone who cease to exist the moment you log out .
If she could afford to wait those 10 minutes she wouldn’t ask for your help.
Game time is a lot like time during a football game you are watching on TV. The clock may say 7 minutes but the universal rule is multiply it by 3. So when you tell her, “honey Ill be off in 5 minutes I swear!” that is why she roles her eyes and gets upset.
Babies are about crisis management. They do not come with guidebooks or instruction manuals. You will be figuring out a ton of stuff together. Games can often serve as a place to shelter ourselves from our ignorance. However, babies are so much easier when figured out side by side with your spouse. It is easier on her; it is easier on you. In the end it is healthier for your marriage.
Make her a priority always.
Make the baby a priority always.
Learn to type "BRB Baby" and immediately walk away.
If you can find a group of adults to game with; do so. College kids and teens do not often have the frame of reference. Youth is selfish by nature. They can ridicule you and attempt to guilt you based on how you are distracting from THEIR playtime, as though they should be on an equal level with your family. Trust me; a young man's ego feels and responds to this pressure.
There are two paths in gaming much like in your career. For an occupation, such as the military, you can choose the “Family” path or the “Career Advancement” path. For one you must sacrifice the other. There is no compromise. You simply cannot spend 3-8 hours raiding for those almighty “Purplz” or 4-5 hours tromping across Varisia because you may not get your PFS xp, without detracting from other elements of your life.
If you have a family you must be prepared to walk away; and that forces a much more casual play time.
Relatively speaking I will say it is a short period of your life. Once our children learned to communicate; and became somewhat self- sufficient. The wife did not mind indulging my hobby. Heck, she even brings me a beer or stuff to munch on nowadays while I am Frapsing the latest BETA, or spending hours on Roll20.net with the gaming crew.
She wants me to be… well… me.
However, she wants her family to be a family and have a healthy foundation. That is what is important; and upon reflection, so did I. Learn to game only after the baby is asleep, AND when you have spent quality time with the wife.
The game will always be there; your children are only young once.
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